Happy New Year

Man, oh man. What a year its been. Very on brand of me to take ages to post another update. Photography has been something that was so very saturated in the first half that I had to put it on hold for the second. It was getting to be too much.

I believe last things I mentioned was having wrapped up a bellydance event and preparing to endure a festival weekend of even more bellydancing. That festival was my first festival of events doing photography and as much of an honour it was, it was also very chaotic and overwhelming.

The Festival

I booked a hotel in midtown for the weekend with my partner. She partially worked the event prior to having a dance part in the event and I was in charge for all photography. We were up at 7am each morning and asleep by 2am every night. Still can't believe it. From panel discussions, classes and behind the scenes to full dance choreos, solos, performances and a party. Needless to say I was dead the following week, and it was only the beginning.

I spent each night of the weekend backing up my memory cards onto my hard drive and just seeing at the end of the day how many photos I was capturing, I got a preview of how serious the editing job would take. So needless to say I got to work as soon as I got home.

The culling of photos took forever and was even more a sign of the times. A week in, my partner's dog fell ill. We've spent several hours in the treatment of our little buddy since, but even more so in that first month finding out exactly what it was to start treatment. Obstacles were coming my way for sure, but still I was sacrificing a lot of time to work on these festival photos. We're talking every single moment I wasn't working my other job or sleeping. It was honestly starting to get bad. I didn't see my family, didn't spend time with my friends, barely saw my partner.

Every day, whether I worked or not, I spent it editing, even during my lunch breaks at work, as soon as I got home up until it was time to sleep, waking up just to do it all over again. I wasn't taking care of myself, going days without meals, getting little sleep, calling off from work to make giant strides in progress. It was rough and I handled it wrong. But of course it was due to the pressure I was experiencing, and the pressure was justified.

The coordinator of the festival talked me into doing a commission style of photography (sort of). This was new to me and I wanted to branch out with my methods of delivery. Seeing this event coming from months away, I practiced this method with the event I worked on prior, given there wasn't nearly as much pressure from it.

This method involves creating an online gallery/storefront, where you can view and buy directly through it. It can be digital downloads or physical prints. I had fun decorating these galleries so I spent plenty of time perfecting it. However, from my understanding of this business, dancers and attendees are less likely to buy photos the more momentum and excitement dwindles after the show.

My photos came out great, I'm not doubting that, but that was only possible to happen with time. In this instance, there was a formula. The sooner I can wrap up editing, the more purchases I'm likely to get, which would compensate me for my time, efforts and expenses. But unfortunately its either keep a high standard of work less likely to be purchased, or edit swiftly and share sooner at the chance of more purchases. This invisible deadline caused a great deal of anxiety, so much so that I even edited during my week in Florida spending time with my elderly grandfather. I did not want it to get to that, as I'm unsure if I'll get to see him again.

There was another photographer attending the show I wasn't aware of until I arrived, who was only there for promotional use, not for sale. This, on its own, I don't mind, even though I'd rather be aware. Everyone was told I'm the official shooter, as my name is everywhere. His photos, as great as they were, were posted a couple of days after the festival ended. Immediately I was receiving inquiries about them. "Where can I see? Where can I buy? I sent you my e-mail, why didn't you send them to me?". It was overwhelming, especially having to explain that they're neither mine nor for sale. This caused some building of tension.

Constantly the dancers were reaching out. I captured over 12k photos, culled about 1k photos, went in order of dancers. Those who saw their photos wanted more or didn't like them. Some wanted cutouts or against white backgrounds, or even better, the RAW files. This happened for some time and it was a nightmare. The few who were contacting me most saying they really wanted to purchase, never actually did. I do admit, I did take a while to finish them all. Puzzle piecing the gallery over the course of a couple of months. I really didn't protect myself or care for myself the way I should have. Learning lesson for sure.

There was another event I was scheduled to cover and that date came up before I was finished with the festival photos. So naturally I aimed to wrap up that gallery before working on this new event, which was a huge breeze in comparison. But this constant computer work was such a huge sacrifice on my life. I wasn't living my life from February to mid-July. I truly lost the joy of photography from it, and I vowed to put the business on hold to at least enjoy my summer. It was salvaged as much as I could to be honest, but I felt an exhaustion unlike any other.

Cue Life

Slowly garnering interest to ease back for a little while for artistic gains before actually pursuing business, another obstacle came my way. This being a lot more personal, my father fell ill. For three months I was on call to be an aide to his newly vulnerable lifestyle, as I mentally tried to wrap my head around this situation and all the details I didn't anticipate would go with it. Even though I'm not as needed as I was now, hes not going to be getting any better, and this feels like a handicap of sorts navigating life simultaneously.

Shortly after this news, I finally learned something about my body's nerve pain. I experienced it for years without explanation and searched for an explanation through multiple outlets for a year. Finally I learned I have arthritis in my neck and a pinched spinal cord (what?!). I learned of the exercises needed to alleviate it, and what major surgery could be done to fix it for a long time. I decided against that surgery, vowing to stick with exercises. Scary news to take in through all of this, and this might be the true convincing factor to, in time, start making the steps towards mirrorless cameras and lighter equipment. As it seems any weight on my neck seems to be adding to this pain, even just sling bags. Jeez.

Forseeable Future

Not to end this off so grim, truly not my intention, but my endeavors have hit a dead end. I will undoubtedly indefinitely put photography as a business on a long pause. I'm hoping at some point to feel ready enough to try for photography closer to what I want to experiment with, but of course without any business aspect to it. This feels like a good time as any to put this second life of mine on hold.

BUT NOT ENTIRELY of course. As over the past couple of years I've compiled multiple collections of photographs that were always pushed to the side when caught in the work-rest cycles of my life. Made up of fond memories, street photography and even test shots using the new 70-200mm f/2.8 zoom lens I purchased for the last event I covered. Ironically, image editing has brought me a bit of a calm stress relieving practice when dealing with the last few months. So without pressure, I've been slowly producing what I have yet to work on (simply because it wouldn't make money). And I intend to upload on the internet platforms whatever I'm particularly proud, pushing past a lack of likes or engagement.

Not only that but I have also compiled multiple cannisters of exposed film. Now with winter in full effect, I plan to do my routine film scanning to work on my film captures as well. So yes I have material to catch up on, without any stress or deadlines, while I adjust to a different means of living for some time.

Whats my hopes for next year? I hope to be better mentally and physically. I hope to show up for what matters most to me. I hope to make long overdue advances in my personal life. And needless to say I hope the state of the world gets resolved and becomes a better planet of course. Cheers to anyone who had read this all, as I hope all of this happens for you, even if not for me. I love y'all, Happy New Year.